I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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