Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
