I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
