Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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