its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
