Are we in a gay sports bar?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
