Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize