If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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