matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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