Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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