I'm lost and stupid without you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
