in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize