The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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