is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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