Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
no, he came in my armpit
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
