I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize