he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize