drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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