You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
