I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
