Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
