I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
