you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
