There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
