Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
