i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
