I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
