Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize