but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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