I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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