Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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