i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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