it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
