Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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