dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
