party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
