All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
