I never want to see another naked old woman again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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