Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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