I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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