i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
