I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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