The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
