it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
