Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
