My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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