I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
