he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
