my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
