I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
