Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
