I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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