yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize