I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Your tits are I can't wait for
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
