Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
